Long Time Update

I found out I was pregnant in January 2015. I was taking Femara, which was the last course of action before being referred to a fertility specialist. I went on day 21, as usual, to get my levels checked and I distinctly remember the woman who took my blood telling me "good luck".  I don't know why that stood out to me so much. I told her thank you and left.

All that was left was the waiting game. I waited for my period, which to me was a little unpredictable since I was so use to short ones. I waited and waited and waited. Then I started to take pregnancy tests. The first one I took was negative. Of course. So I kept waiting. And waiting.

My husband had to leave for work and that morning I decided to take another test. That's when I saw it do something it had never done before. The little window changed colors just a little. Then, slowly, the usual negative ended up being an unexpected positive. I just stared at it. Then I took another. The same thing happened. I decided that maybe I was delusional and decided to try to go back to bed and look at the used tests again when I wake up.

I didn't really sleep, but when I got up I looked at them again. Then I took another one and, wouldn't you know it, there was yet another positive. This was the start of our Amelia.

I didn't tell John until he came home about a week later. He was thrilled, we cried, then we started to make plans. I was uneasy the majority of the pregnancy. I was convinced I would have a miscarriage before we could announce. Then I was worried I would have a miscarriage before viability. Then I was worried I would have an early birth and our child would have to be in the NICU for months. But none of that happened. I was the picture of perfect health. I had no issues, literally. I wasn't sick, I only had back pain once or twice, and while I was uncomfortable in the last few weeks I can't say I was miserable. I went to term and ended up having her at 40 weeks and 2 days. I am going to work on writing my birth story once I'm done with this, but overall I am so thankful and happy for the events that have transpired over the past 9 months.

I didn't have it as bad as so many women who are battling with infertility. It is a struggle that is hard to explain to those who haven't experienced it. I was blessed with a doctor who wanted to find answers right at the start of us trying for a child. I know that our daughter wouldn't be here right now if the doctor didn't take my concerns seriously. If anything, we would just now be starting treatments.

Today is a good day

Friday, June 26, 2015 (25 weeks 4 days)

Today is a good day.

Johnny and I grew up in LDS households.  When we met we were LDS. We married in the temple and pledged to uphold certain ideals.  Then proposition 8 happened in California. Same sex marriage was legalized in the state of California and Proposition 8 threatened to overturn this ruling. The LDS church came out for the proposition and encouraged its members to donate their time and effort to have this proposition passed.  In our ward in Kansas, people seemed to believe this gave them permission to preach the dangers of homosexuality during testimony meeting and have lessons over it on other days.  Sunday schools turned into political lectures in some cases.  It was discussed in the hallways. There were rumors of members in other states being denied temple recommendations because they didn't support the cause. I know others didn't see this, but it's something that was amplified to those already struggling with teachings. While I had other issues with the church before, this didn’t sit right with me.  I remember staying up at night, praying to understand the church’s stance. While I am not homosexual myself, I did feel the profound struggle between choosing between my religion and what I felt was right.

We ask that you do all you can to support the proposed constitutional amendment by donating of your means and time to assure that marriage in California is legally defined as being between a man and a woman. Our best efforts are required to preserve the sacred institution of marriage. 

I quit attending church for this reason.  I did not support the church’s position.  I felt that if I continued to attend then I would be condoning this belief. I would condone the idea that homosexuality is a perversion.  I would condone conversion therapy. The church teaches that you cannot just sit on the fence- you must pick a side. The worldly side or the religious.  I chose the worldly.  How could I not when I would feel physical ill as I would try to convince myself that the prophet knows best in this matter?

To be clear- I don’t want you to grow up without religion.  Rather, I want you to be critical of religion and non-religion.  I want you to have a personal relationship with God in or out of church.  I want you to do good, not because God told you to do good, but because it’s the right thing to do. I want you to determine your own moral compass and constantly reevaluate it.

As the years progressed, I fought for marriage equality in my own way and became more cemented in my beliefs.  I have to admit that I did not attend rallies (although there was one in DC a few years ago that I really wanted to attend), but I did stand up and make my beliefs and voice known to those around me. If someone around me felt the need to use words like “fag” or demean homosexuals behind closed doors then I would try to engage in a conversation with them.  I debated friends and acquaintances on what marriage is, and even lost a few friends over it. But I don’t regret that. I regret not doing more.

Today brought me to tears.  What started as a personal journey years ago, as a straight white girl, has seemed to come to a conclusion for now.  Marriage equality is legal in the United States of America.  We are equal. Even if it is believed that God does not accept same sex marriage, we are still equal here on earth and we all have the chance for stability and happiness and love.  I now stand more committed to this cause and have not felt more comfortable in my relationship with God. Today is a good day for the good guys.  

Late Night Thoughts

I go in tomorrow to get my blood drawn again.  This will be the last time with my current doctor.  I was taken off of Clomid and she put me on Femara.  She said that if it doesn't take this time around then she is officially moving me to an infertility clinic.  While I like her as my GYN, I am ready to be in an official clinic. We have officially been "trying" for a year, so it will be nice to move to a specialist.

Fingers crossed that levels look good, but I don't feel optimistic. Usually I go with the flow with a smile on my face, but then I have moments like tonight that are just rough for whatever reason. 

I haven't been diagnosed with anything, just that my progesterone levels are low.  I haven't been told that there's a name for having cycles that are too short.  I have researched this in the past and the main thing I find is information about cycles that are irregular or too long.  When asked by my doctor if I have irregular periods, I often answer with, "They're regularly irregular."  This isn't new.  I've been this way as long as I remember.  I've told doctors in the past and they give me birth control.  That's a great cover up, but I have never been told what it is or WHY my cycles are this way.  Up until last year I have never had a doctor who bothered to figure it out. 

Then I found a word; polymenorrhea.  Polymenorrhea is the medical term for cycles with intervals of 21 days or fewer.  Yes.  This. There is a name for it.  I haven't been diagnosed or given this medical term, but at least I know that it is prevalent enough to warrant a name. Good.  

Then that's when the What If thoughts set in.  If you have had infertility then you know these "What if" questions well. 

What if this medication doesn't work?

What if no medication works?

What if surgery doesn't work?

What if I can't have kids?

What if it's too expensive to adopt?  I have insurance to have a kid, but to adopt an infant is a whole other financial story. 

What if it will take years to adopt?

What if I put my career on hold too long? What  if I can't enter the workforce as strongly as before?

What if what if what if?

It becomes debilitating.  My mind has a problem of thinking too much about the future.  I also tend to go for the worst case scenario- then you can prepare for the worst.  The problem is that sometimes preparing for the worst case impedes your progress in the present.  This can literally freeze me for an evening. 

So what did I do to snap myself back? Well, tonight it was to watch some TV and type.  In the past it was to just put everything away and go to sleep, cry, or go for a run.  

When dealing with anything in life, the important thing is to stay positive.  I do consider myself a realist, but I know that you have to have positivity.  If not positivity, then at least have the ability to put some blinders on until you are prepared to pull them off.   

New Years

Happy New Years!  I love New Years.  Sure it may be a bit corny and predictable, but I like the idea of a fresh start; off trying to better yourself. I also like reflecting on the past year and realizing how happy life makes me.

I like the idea of life and death being cyclical.  You're born, you die, you're born, you die...it's a comforting thought. What if with each life you are able to improve and strive to be better than before? What if the best and most moral people in the world, young and old, are that way because they have lived so many lives and have old souls?  I just love the thought of that.  The start of every New Year (every day really) is a chance to learn, improve, and discover yourself.

These are things that I ponder....that's why I keep those thoughts to myself most of the time.

What are my wishes for the New Years?

1) It would be nice to get pregnant. I am in my last month with my current doctor.  If what she has prescribed doesn't work then I will officially be transferred to an infertility clinic.

2) If I don't get pregnant then I will start to seriously start to look into adoption.

3) Move :)  This of course hampers the adoption thing.

4) Of course I always want to work on health and fitness. Blah blah blah.

5) Read more. I'm in a book club and I always put off reading until the week before we meet. I want to read once a day.

Appointment

Well, my latest progesterone levels were too low. I am getting ready to make a new appointment with the doctor so that we will discuss new medication or a combination of new medication.  On wards and upwards!

Frustration

So, I'm hard on myself.  That shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

I had my Saturday planned out.  I would wake up, get my blood test since it was day 21 of my cycle, go help prep for a baby shower, and do other things throughout the day.  I woke up right on time and then it hit me-my doctor's office isn't open on Saturdays.

Frustration hit hard.  I was so upset with myself. I was more frustrated because the process of getting pregnant is so dang long.  I know it's only a month longer, but for some reason it upset me more than it should.  I also don't like to disappoint, so somehow I thought I would disappoint my doctor (which the rational side of me knows this isn't true at all...I just wasn't completely rational on Saturday).

Luckily John is always there to talk me down and tell me things are fine.  So, onto round 4 with Clomid. Here's to better forward planning and paying attention to detail.

Why I decided to blog

Sometimes it feels lonely to be on this road.  I know I am far from alone and that sooooooo many women and  men go through this.  So why did I decide to write about my experiences?

For community:
For many women, myself included, when you're told that it will be difficult to have a kid you feel alone.  I've felt alone one other time in my life- when I was told I would have to wear a brace for scoliosis.  I was in middle school, and that experience did leave a mental scar.  Looking back I can see that I isolated myself.  I did not seek out support groups (although it was more difficult at the time, because we didn't have the same interaction online as we do now) and I didn't tell ANYONE about it.  Not even my closest friends.  I changed in the nurses office for volleyball practice, wouldn't let anyone touch me, and wore really baggy clothing in hopes of hiding it.  I didn't even like to talk to my family about it.  I am a perfectionist, so this was an imperfection that I couldn't do anything about.  I had no self esteem and nobody to talk to due to my self-imposed exile.

Nobody should feel this way.  This is why I reached out to others.  Since posting the previous post I have received so much wonderful feedback.  I talked with people I haven't talked to since middle school.  So many women shared with me their experiences and what they have gone through.  By doing this it normalizes fertility issues.  Talking about "taboo" topics will normalize these things.  It isn't something to be ashamed of- it's just a normal part of life, albeit a frustrating one.



For reassurance:
Again, I received a lot of feedback from my previous post. I guess I need that reassurance that I'm not crazy or defective.  I know I'm not 99% of the time, but I like to see the reassurance that other 1% of the time. This may be a selfish reason, but what can I say?  It is what it is.



For education:
I cannot express how uninformed I was about the reproduction process.  I know the basics, but that....was....it.  I know how to not have a kid, but not as much about having a kid.  I'm ashamed of this.  I'm ashamed that I didn't know the names of the hormones in my own body.  I'm ashamed to have not known that my cycle length meant that I'm not ovulating.  I'm ashamed that I didn't know more about ovulating and everything that goes into that.  I'm ashamed that I'm not more informed about my own body.

I'm frustrated that my doctors in the past just brushed me off when I expressed concern about my cycle.  They just put me on a pill to regulate it.  They didn't try to find a reason for it, and that frustrates me.  I'm frustrated that I didn't know how to advocate for myself. I'm happy that I was able to find a doctor who ran tests before knowing that we were even trying for a kid.  I want people to learn from my experience and I can learn from their experiences.


Thank you all for sharing your experiences and kind words.

-Laura