Long Time Update

I found out I was pregnant in January 2015. I was taking Femara, which was the last course of action before being referred to a fertility specialist. I went on day 21, as usual, to get my levels checked and I distinctly remember the woman who took my blood telling me "good luck".  I don't know why that stood out to me so much. I told her thank you and left.

All that was left was the waiting game. I waited for my period, which to me was a little unpredictable since I was so use to short ones. I waited and waited and waited. Then I started to take pregnancy tests. The first one I took was negative. Of course. So I kept waiting. And waiting.

My husband had to leave for work and that morning I decided to take another test. That's when I saw it do something it had never done before. The little window changed colors just a little. Then, slowly, the usual negative ended up being an unexpected positive. I just stared at it. Then I took another. The same thing happened. I decided that maybe I was delusional and decided to try to go back to bed and look at the used tests again when I wake up.

I didn't really sleep, but when I got up I looked at them again. Then I took another one and, wouldn't you know it, there was yet another positive. This was the start of our Amelia.

I didn't tell John until he came home about a week later. He was thrilled, we cried, then we started to make plans. I was uneasy the majority of the pregnancy. I was convinced I would have a miscarriage before we could announce. Then I was worried I would have a miscarriage before viability. Then I was worried I would have an early birth and our child would have to be in the NICU for months. But none of that happened. I was the picture of perfect health. I had no issues, literally. I wasn't sick, I only had back pain once or twice, and while I was uncomfortable in the last few weeks I can't say I was miserable. I went to term and ended up having her at 40 weeks and 2 days. I am going to work on writing my birth story once I'm done with this, but overall I am so thankful and happy for the events that have transpired over the past 9 months.

I didn't have it as bad as so many women who are battling with infertility. It is a struggle that is hard to explain to those who haven't experienced it. I was blessed with a doctor who wanted to find answers right at the start of us trying for a child. I know that our daughter wouldn't be here right now if the doctor didn't take my concerns seriously. If anything, we would just now be starting treatments.

Today is a good day

Friday, June 26, 2015 (25 weeks 4 days)

Today is a good day.

Johnny and I grew up in LDS households.  When we met we were LDS. We married in the temple and pledged to uphold certain ideals.  Then proposition 8 happened in California. Same sex marriage was legalized in the state of California and Proposition 8 threatened to overturn this ruling. The LDS church came out for the proposition and encouraged its members to donate their time and effort to have this proposition passed.  In our ward in Kansas, people seemed to believe this gave them permission to preach the dangers of homosexuality during testimony meeting and have lessons over it on other days.  Sunday schools turned into political lectures in some cases.  It was discussed in the hallways. There were rumors of members in other states being denied temple recommendations because they didn't support the cause. I know others didn't see this, but it's something that was amplified to those already struggling with teachings. While I had other issues with the church before, this didn’t sit right with me.  I remember staying up at night, praying to understand the church’s stance. While I am not homosexual myself, I did feel the profound struggle between choosing between my religion and what I felt was right.

We ask that you do all you can to support the proposed constitutional amendment by donating of your means and time to assure that marriage in California is legally defined as being between a man and a woman. Our best efforts are required to preserve the sacred institution of marriage. 

I quit attending church for this reason.  I did not support the church’s position.  I felt that if I continued to attend then I would be condoning this belief. I would condone the idea that homosexuality is a perversion.  I would condone conversion therapy. The church teaches that you cannot just sit on the fence- you must pick a side. The worldly side or the religious.  I chose the worldly.  How could I not when I would feel physical ill as I would try to convince myself that the prophet knows best in this matter?

To be clear- I don’t want you to grow up without religion.  Rather, I want you to be critical of religion and non-religion.  I want you to have a personal relationship with God in or out of church.  I want you to do good, not because God told you to do good, but because it’s the right thing to do. I want you to determine your own moral compass and constantly reevaluate it.

As the years progressed, I fought for marriage equality in my own way and became more cemented in my beliefs.  I have to admit that I did not attend rallies (although there was one in DC a few years ago that I really wanted to attend), but I did stand up and make my beliefs and voice known to those around me. If someone around me felt the need to use words like “fag” or demean homosexuals behind closed doors then I would try to engage in a conversation with them.  I debated friends and acquaintances on what marriage is, and even lost a few friends over it. But I don’t regret that. I regret not doing more.

Today brought me to tears.  What started as a personal journey years ago, as a straight white girl, has seemed to come to a conclusion for now.  Marriage equality is legal in the United States of America.  We are equal. Even if it is believed that God does not accept same sex marriage, we are still equal here on earth and we all have the chance for stability and happiness and love.  I now stand more committed to this cause and have not felt more comfortable in my relationship with God. Today is a good day for the good guys.  

Late Night Thoughts

I go in tomorrow to get my blood drawn again.  This will be the last time with my current doctor.  I was taken off of Clomid and she put me on Femara.  She said that if it doesn't take this time around then she is officially moving me to an infertility clinic.  While I like her as my GYN, I am ready to be in an official clinic. We have officially been "trying" for a year, so it will be nice to move to a specialist.

Fingers crossed that levels look good, but I don't feel optimistic. Usually I go with the flow with a smile on my face, but then I have moments like tonight that are just rough for whatever reason. 

I haven't been diagnosed with anything, just that my progesterone levels are low.  I haven't been told that there's a name for having cycles that are too short.  I have researched this in the past and the main thing I find is information about cycles that are irregular or too long.  When asked by my doctor if I have irregular periods, I often answer with, "They're regularly irregular."  This isn't new.  I've been this way as long as I remember.  I've told doctors in the past and they give me birth control.  That's a great cover up, but I have never been told what it is or WHY my cycles are this way.  Up until last year I have never had a doctor who bothered to figure it out. 

Then I found a word; polymenorrhea.  Polymenorrhea is the medical term for cycles with intervals of 21 days or fewer.  Yes.  This. There is a name for it.  I haven't been diagnosed or given this medical term, but at least I know that it is prevalent enough to warrant a name. Good.  

Then that's when the What If thoughts set in.  If you have had infertility then you know these "What if" questions well. 

What if this medication doesn't work?

What if no medication works?

What if surgery doesn't work?

What if I can't have kids?

What if it's too expensive to adopt?  I have insurance to have a kid, but to adopt an infant is a whole other financial story. 

What if it will take years to adopt?

What if I put my career on hold too long? What  if I can't enter the workforce as strongly as before?

What if what if what if?

It becomes debilitating.  My mind has a problem of thinking too much about the future.  I also tend to go for the worst case scenario- then you can prepare for the worst.  The problem is that sometimes preparing for the worst case impedes your progress in the present.  This can literally freeze me for an evening. 

So what did I do to snap myself back? Well, tonight it was to watch some TV and type.  In the past it was to just put everything away and go to sleep, cry, or go for a run.  

When dealing with anything in life, the important thing is to stay positive.  I do consider myself a realist, but I know that you have to have positivity.  If not positivity, then at least have the ability to put some blinders on until you are prepared to pull them off.   

New Years

Happy New Years!  I love New Years.  Sure it may be a bit corny and predictable, but I like the idea of a fresh start; off trying to better yourself. I also like reflecting on the past year and realizing how happy life makes me.

I like the idea of life and death being cyclical.  You're born, you die, you're born, you die...it's a comforting thought. What if with each life you are able to improve and strive to be better than before? What if the best and most moral people in the world, young and old, are that way because they have lived so many lives and have old souls?  I just love the thought of that.  The start of every New Year (every day really) is a chance to learn, improve, and discover yourself.

These are things that I ponder....that's why I keep those thoughts to myself most of the time.

What are my wishes for the New Years?

1) It would be nice to get pregnant. I am in my last month with my current doctor.  If what she has prescribed doesn't work then I will officially be transferred to an infertility clinic.

2) If I don't get pregnant then I will start to seriously start to look into adoption.

3) Move :)  This of course hampers the adoption thing.

4) Of course I always want to work on health and fitness. Blah blah blah.

5) Read more. I'm in a book club and I always put off reading until the week before we meet. I want to read once a day.