Late Night Thoughts

I go in tomorrow to get my blood drawn again.  This will be the last time with my current doctor.  I was taken off of Clomid and she put me on Femara.  She said that if it doesn't take this time around then she is officially moving me to an infertility clinic.  While I like her as my GYN, I am ready to be in an official clinic. We have officially been "trying" for a year, so it will be nice to move to a specialist.

Fingers crossed that levels look good, but I don't feel optimistic. Usually I go with the flow with a smile on my face, but then I have moments like tonight that are just rough for whatever reason. 

I haven't been diagnosed with anything, just that my progesterone levels are low.  I haven't been told that there's a name for having cycles that are too short.  I have researched this in the past and the main thing I find is information about cycles that are irregular or too long.  When asked by my doctor if I have irregular periods, I often answer with, "They're regularly irregular."  This isn't new.  I've been this way as long as I remember.  I've told doctors in the past and they give me birth control.  That's a great cover up, but I have never been told what it is or WHY my cycles are this way.  Up until last year I have never had a doctor who bothered to figure it out. 

Then I found a word; polymenorrhea.  Polymenorrhea is the medical term for cycles with intervals of 21 days or fewer.  Yes.  This. There is a name for it.  I haven't been diagnosed or given this medical term, but at least I know that it is prevalent enough to warrant a name. Good.  

Then that's when the What If thoughts set in.  If you have had infertility then you know these "What if" questions well. 

What if this medication doesn't work?

What if no medication works?

What if surgery doesn't work?

What if I can't have kids?

What if it's too expensive to adopt?  I have insurance to have a kid, but to adopt an infant is a whole other financial story. 

What if it will take years to adopt?

What if I put my career on hold too long? What  if I can't enter the workforce as strongly as before?

What if what if what if?

It becomes debilitating.  My mind has a problem of thinking too much about the future.  I also tend to go for the worst case scenario- then you can prepare for the worst.  The problem is that sometimes preparing for the worst case impedes your progress in the present.  This can literally freeze me for an evening. 

So what did I do to snap myself back? Well, tonight it was to watch some TV and type.  In the past it was to just put everything away and go to sleep, cry, or go for a run.  

When dealing with anything in life, the important thing is to stay positive.  I do consider myself a realist, but I know that you have to have positivity.  If not positivity, then at least have the ability to put some blinders on until you are prepared to pull them off.   

Frustration

So, I'm hard on myself.  That shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

I had my Saturday planned out.  I would wake up, get my blood test since it was day 21 of my cycle, go help prep for a baby shower, and do other things throughout the day.  I woke up right on time and then it hit me-my doctor's office isn't open on Saturdays.

Frustration hit hard.  I was so upset with myself. I was more frustrated because the process of getting pregnant is so dang long.  I know it's only a month longer, but for some reason it upset me more than it should.  I also don't like to disappoint, so somehow I thought I would disappoint my doctor (which the rational side of me knows this isn't true at all...I just wasn't completely rational on Saturday).

Luckily John is always there to talk me down and tell me things are fine.  So, onto round 4 with Clomid. Here's to better forward planning and paying attention to detail.

Why I decided to blog

Sometimes it feels lonely to be on this road.  I know I am far from alone and that sooooooo many women and  men go through this.  So why did I decide to write about my experiences?

For community:
For many women, myself included, when you're told that it will be difficult to have a kid you feel alone.  I've felt alone one other time in my life- when I was told I would have to wear a brace for scoliosis.  I was in middle school, and that experience did leave a mental scar.  Looking back I can see that I isolated myself.  I did not seek out support groups (although it was more difficult at the time, because we didn't have the same interaction online as we do now) and I didn't tell ANYONE about it.  Not even my closest friends.  I changed in the nurses office for volleyball practice, wouldn't let anyone touch me, and wore really baggy clothing in hopes of hiding it.  I didn't even like to talk to my family about it.  I am a perfectionist, so this was an imperfection that I couldn't do anything about.  I had no self esteem and nobody to talk to due to my self-imposed exile.

Nobody should feel this way.  This is why I reached out to others.  Since posting the previous post I have received so much wonderful feedback.  I talked with people I haven't talked to since middle school.  So many women shared with me their experiences and what they have gone through.  By doing this it normalizes fertility issues.  Talking about "taboo" topics will normalize these things.  It isn't something to be ashamed of- it's just a normal part of life, albeit a frustrating one.



For reassurance:
Again, I received a lot of feedback from my previous post. I guess I need that reassurance that I'm not crazy or defective.  I know I'm not 99% of the time, but I like to see the reassurance that other 1% of the time. This may be a selfish reason, but what can I say?  It is what it is.



For education:
I cannot express how uninformed I was about the reproduction process.  I know the basics, but that....was....it.  I know how to not have a kid, but not as much about having a kid.  I'm ashamed of this.  I'm ashamed that I didn't know the names of the hormones in my own body.  I'm ashamed to have not known that my cycle length meant that I'm not ovulating.  I'm ashamed that I didn't know more about ovulating and everything that goes into that.  I'm ashamed that I'm not more informed about my own body.

I'm frustrated that my doctors in the past just brushed me off when I expressed concern about my cycle.  They just put me on a pill to regulate it.  They didn't try to find a reason for it, and that frustrates me.  I'm frustrated that I didn't know how to advocate for myself. I'm happy that I was able to find a doctor who ran tests before knowing that we were even trying for a kid.  I want people to learn from my experience and I can learn from their experiences.


Thank you all for sharing your experiences and kind words.

-Laura

It Is What It Is

If you're squeamish about the female body, consider this a disclaimer.

J and I have been married for 7 years and together for 8.  We were 21 when we got married and had no intention of having kids for awhile.  While we married quickly, we both take the responsibility of having kids very seriously.  We share the viewpoint that once you have kids then they are the priority and they deserve to have loving parents.  Therefore, you better make for darn certain that you and your partner can stand each other for awhile without kids. We also wanted to weather a few storms together before involving a kid or two. But that's just us.

We went through a few periods where he wanted to start trying for kids but I didn't; or I would want to start but he didn't.  So we agreed to wait until we both felt it was time.  Time passed, we shared various experiences (college, traveling, graduations, commissioning, trainings, jobs, etc...).  We were just so busy enjoying one another and our life that we just weren't ready to include a child.

September of last year (2013)we were both finally on the same page. He had returned home from deployment and it finally felt right.  We agreed to start trying after I went to a Supernatural convention (we are planners, what can I say).  I bring this up because it's the "landmark" that I can refer to.

When I returned from the convention, I didn't feel right.  I felt bloated and tired and gained an unusual amount of weight.  I chalked it up to eating horribly at the convention.   A month went by and I didn't feel better.  Two months went by and I started to really worry because I missed a period.....I never do that.  Then December came and I was still late.  I took a ton of pregnancy tests, went to my doctor's where they did a urine and blood test (all came back negative), and then decided it was time to find a GYN.

My doctor is wonderful. She ran tests and found 3 things: 1) I'm deficient in vitamin D, 2) I have slight hypothyroidism, and 3) crazy low progesterone.  I was put on medication for all three of these things.  The good news is that there was no sign of cancer (well, as much as you can tell with a blood test) and I am not perimenopausal. So...yay.....

It took a few months to get my progesterone levels under control.  However, once under control I still wasn't ovulating.  I have had very short cycles all my life.  However, when I would tell doctors in the past they would just put me on BC to regulate it.  When I was on BC I was fine, but as soon as I was off I went back to my regularly irregular cycle.  Due to my short cycles, I don't ovulate.

I am now on Clomid.  I have gone through 2 cycles with no success.  I went in 2 days ago to get my blood drawn to see if my dosage needs to be increased.  I received a call yesterday saying that my doctor will increase my dosage for the third time.  If things don't work this dosage then we're calling it quits with Clomid and will move onto the next step.

I feel like I'm dealing with all of this pretty well. I find it more frustrating than anything else.  I hear so many people talk about the miracle of the female body, and how women are meant to give birth.....and I can't help but look at myself and think how broken I must be.  I know this isn't rational, but it is hard to not think this every now and then.  It just sucks.  My mantra is "It is what it is" and I just move on to the next step(s).

I have a feeling that a lot of this blog will be about the road to baby.  If you want to follow along then feel free.  I'm tired of not talking about it, and answering "when will you have a baby" with "Oh, eventually....maybe".  Feel free to ask me questions.  Talking about it and blogging is kind of therapeutic, actually.

-Laura

As usual, please excuse any mistakes as I dislike editing.