Fingers crossed that levels look good, but I don't feel optimistic. Usually I go with the flow with a smile on my face, but then I have moments like tonight that are just rough for whatever reason.
I haven't been diagnosed with anything, just that my progesterone levels are low. I haven't been told that there's a name for having cycles that are too short. I have researched this in the past and the main thing I find is information about cycles that are irregular or too long. When asked by my doctor if I have irregular periods, I often answer with, "They're regularly irregular." This isn't new. I've been this way as long as I remember. I've told doctors in the past and they give me birth control. That's a great cover up, but I have never been told what it is or WHY my cycles are this way. Up until last year I have never had a doctor who bothered to figure it out.
Then I found a word; polymenorrhea. Polymenorrhea is the medical term for cycles with intervals of 21 days or fewer. Yes. This. There is a name for it. I haven't been diagnosed or given this medical term, but at least I know that it is prevalent enough to warrant a name. Good.
Then that's when the What If thoughts set in. If you have had infertility then you know these "What if" questions well.
What if this medication doesn't work?
What if no medication works?
What if surgery doesn't work?
What if I can't have kids?
What if it's too expensive to adopt? I have insurance to have a kid, but to adopt an infant is a whole other financial story.
What if it will take years to adopt?
What if I put my career on hold too long? What if I can't enter the workforce as strongly as before?
What if what if what if?
It becomes debilitating. My mind has a problem of thinking too much about the future. I also tend to go for the worst case scenario- then you can prepare for the worst. The problem is that sometimes preparing for the worst case impedes your progress in the present. This can literally freeze me for an evening.
So what did I do to snap myself back? Well, tonight it was to watch some TV and type. In the past it was to just put everything away and go to sleep, cry, or go for a run.
When dealing with anything in life, the important thing is to stay positive. I do consider myself a realist, but I know that you have to have positivity. If not positivity, then at least have the ability to put some blinders on until you are prepared to pull them off.
