Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Appointment
Well, my latest progesterone levels were too low. I am getting ready to make a new appointment with the doctor so that we will discuss new medication or a combination of new medication. On wards and upwards!
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Frustration
So, I'm hard on myself. That shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.
I had my Saturday planned out. I would wake up, get my blood test since it was day 21 of my cycle, go help prep for a baby shower, and do other things throughout the day. I woke up right on time and then it hit me-my doctor's office isn't open on Saturdays.
Frustration hit hard. I was so upset with myself. I was more frustrated because the process of getting pregnant is so dang long. I know it's only a month longer, but for some reason it upset me more than it should. I also don't like to disappoint, so somehow I thought I would disappoint my doctor (which the rational side of me knows this isn't true at all...I just wasn't completely rational on Saturday).
Luckily John is always there to talk me down and tell me things are fine. So, onto round 4 with Clomid. Here's to better forward planning and paying attention to detail.
I had my Saturday planned out. I would wake up, get my blood test since it was day 21 of my cycle, go help prep for a baby shower, and do other things throughout the day. I woke up right on time and then it hit me-my doctor's office isn't open on Saturdays.
Frustration hit hard. I was so upset with myself. I was more frustrated because the process of getting pregnant is so dang long. I know it's only a month longer, but for some reason it upset me more than it should. I also don't like to disappoint, so somehow I thought I would disappoint my doctor (which the rational side of me knows this isn't true at all...I just wasn't completely rational on Saturday).
Luckily John is always there to talk me down and tell me things are fine. So, onto round 4 with Clomid. Here's to better forward planning and paying attention to detail.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Why I decided to blog
Sometimes it feels lonely to be on this road. I know I am far from alone and that sooooooo many women and men go through this. So why did I decide to write about my experiences?
For community:
For many women, myself included, when you're told that it will be difficult to have a kid you feel alone. I've felt alone one other time in my life- when I was told I would have to wear a brace for scoliosis. I was in middle school, and that experience did leave a mental scar. Looking back I can see that I isolated myself. I did not seek out support groups (although it was more difficult at the time, because we didn't have the same interaction online as we do now) and I didn't tell ANYONE about it. Not even my closest friends. I changed in the nurses office for volleyball practice, wouldn't let anyone touch me, and wore really baggy clothing in hopes of hiding it. I didn't even like to talk to my family about it. I am a perfectionist, so this was an imperfection that I couldn't do anything about. I had no self esteem and nobody to talk to due to my self-imposed exile.
Nobody should feel this way. This is why I reached out to others. Since posting the previous post I have received so much wonderful feedback. I talked with people I haven't talked to since middle school. So many women shared with me their experiences and what they have gone through. By doing this it normalizes fertility issues. Talking about "taboo" topics will normalize these things. It isn't something to be ashamed of- it's just a normal part of life, albeit a frustrating one.
For reassurance:
Again, I received a lot of feedback from my previous post. I guess I need that reassurance that I'm not crazy or defective. I know I'm not 99% of the time, but I like to see the reassurance that other 1% of the time. This may be a selfish reason, but what can I say? It is what it is.
For education:
I cannot express how uninformed I was about the reproduction process. I know the basics, but that....was....it. I know how to not have a kid, but not as much about having a kid. I'm ashamed of this. I'm ashamed that I didn't know the names of the hormones in my own body. I'm ashamed to have not known that my cycle length meant that I'm not ovulating. I'm ashamed that I didn't know more about ovulating and everything that goes into that. I'm ashamed that I'm not more informed about my own body.
I'm frustrated that my doctors in the past just brushed me off when I expressed concern about my cycle. They just put me on a pill to regulate it. They didn't try to find a reason for it, and that frustrates me. I'm frustrated that I didn't know how to advocate for myself. I'm happy that I was able to find a doctor who ran tests before knowing that we were even trying for a kid. I want people to learn from my experience and I can learn from their experiences.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences and kind words.
-Laura
For community:
For many women, myself included, when you're told that it will be difficult to have a kid you feel alone. I've felt alone one other time in my life- when I was told I would have to wear a brace for scoliosis. I was in middle school, and that experience did leave a mental scar. Looking back I can see that I isolated myself. I did not seek out support groups (although it was more difficult at the time, because we didn't have the same interaction online as we do now) and I didn't tell ANYONE about it. Not even my closest friends. I changed in the nurses office for volleyball practice, wouldn't let anyone touch me, and wore really baggy clothing in hopes of hiding it. I didn't even like to talk to my family about it. I am a perfectionist, so this was an imperfection that I couldn't do anything about. I had no self esteem and nobody to talk to due to my self-imposed exile.
Nobody should feel this way. This is why I reached out to others. Since posting the previous post I have received so much wonderful feedback. I talked with people I haven't talked to since middle school. So many women shared with me their experiences and what they have gone through. By doing this it normalizes fertility issues. Talking about "taboo" topics will normalize these things. It isn't something to be ashamed of- it's just a normal part of life, albeit a frustrating one.
For reassurance:
Again, I received a lot of feedback from my previous post. I guess I need that reassurance that I'm not crazy or defective. I know I'm not 99% of the time, but I like to see the reassurance that other 1% of the time. This may be a selfish reason, but what can I say? It is what it is.
For education:
I cannot express how uninformed I was about the reproduction process. I know the basics, but that....was....it. I know how to not have a kid, but not as much about having a kid. I'm ashamed of this. I'm ashamed that I didn't know the names of the hormones in my own body. I'm ashamed to have not known that my cycle length meant that I'm not ovulating. I'm ashamed that I didn't know more about ovulating and everything that goes into that. I'm ashamed that I'm not more informed about my own body.
I'm frustrated that my doctors in the past just brushed me off when I expressed concern about my cycle. They just put me on a pill to regulate it. They didn't try to find a reason for it, and that frustrates me. I'm frustrated that I didn't know how to advocate for myself. I'm happy that I was able to find a doctor who ran tests before knowing that we were even trying for a kid. I want people to learn from my experience and I can learn from their experiences.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences and kind words.
-Laura
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
It Is What It Is
If you're squeamish about the female body, consider this a disclaimer.
J and I have been married for 7 years and together for 8. We were 21 when we got married and had no intention of having kids for awhile. While we married quickly, we both take the responsibility of having kids very seriously. We share the viewpoint that once you have kids then they are the priority and they deserve to have loving parents. Therefore, you better make for darn certain that you and your partner can stand each other for awhile without kids. We also wanted to weather a few storms together before involving a kid or two. But that's just us.
We went through a few periods where he wanted to start trying for kids but I didn't; or I would want to start but he didn't. So we agreed to wait until we both felt it was time. Time passed, we shared various experiences (college, traveling, graduations, commissioning, trainings, jobs, etc...). We were just so busy enjoying one another and our life that we just weren't ready to include a child.
September of last year (2013)we were both finally on the same page. He had returned home from deployment and it finally felt right. We agreed to start trying after I went to a Supernatural convention (we are planners, what can I say). I bring this up because it's the "landmark" that I can refer to.
When I returned from the convention, I didn't feel right. I felt bloated and tired and gained an unusual amount of weight. I chalked it up to eating horribly at the convention. A month went by and I didn't feel better. Two months went by and I started to really worry because I missed a period.....I never do that. Then December came and I was still late. I took a ton of pregnancy tests, went to my doctor's where they did a urine and blood test (all came back negative), and then decided it was time to find a GYN.
My doctor is wonderful. She ran tests and found 3 things: 1) I'm deficient in vitamin D, 2) I have slight hypothyroidism, and 3) crazy low progesterone. I was put on medication for all three of these things. The good news is that there was no sign of cancer (well, as much as you can tell with a blood test) and I am not perimenopausal. So...yay.....
It took a few months to get my progesterone levels under control. However, once under control I still wasn't ovulating. I have had very short cycles all my life. However, when I would tell doctors in the past they would just put me on BC to regulate it. When I was on BC I was fine, but as soon as I was off I went back to my regularly irregular cycle. Due to my short cycles, I don't ovulate.
I am now on Clomid. I have gone through 2 cycles with no success. I went in 2 days ago to get my blood drawn to see if my dosage needs to be increased. I received a call yesterday saying that my doctor will increase my dosage for the third time. If things don't work this dosage then we're calling it quits with Clomid and will move onto the next step.
I feel like I'm dealing with all of this pretty well. I find it more frustrating than anything else. I hear so many people talk about the miracle of the female body, and how women are meant to give birth.....and I can't help but look at myself and think how broken I must be. I know this isn't rational, but it is hard to not think this every now and then. It just sucks. My mantra is "It is what it is" and I just move on to the next step(s).
I have a feeling that a lot of this blog will be about the road to baby. If you want to follow along then feel free. I'm tired of not talking about it, and answering "when will you have a baby" with "Oh, eventually....maybe". Feel free to ask me questions. Talking about it and blogging is kind of therapeutic, actually.
-Laura
As usual, please excuse any mistakes as I dislike editing.
J and I have been married for 7 years and together for 8. We were 21 when we got married and had no intention of having kids for awhile. While we married quickly, we both take the responsibility of having kids very seriously. We share the viewpoint that once you have kids then they are the priority and they deserve to have loving parents. Therefore, you better make for darn certain that you and your partner can stand each other for awhile without kids. We also wanted to weather a few storms together before involving a kid or two. But that's just us.
We went through a few periods where he wanted to start trying for kids but I didn't; or I would want to start but he didn't. So we agreed to wait until we both felt it was time. Time passed, we shared various experiences (college, traveling, graduations, commissioning, trainings, jobs, etc...). We were just so busy enjoying one another and our life that we just weren't ready to include a child.
September of last year (2013)we were both finally on the same page. He had returned home from deployment and it finally felt right. We agreed to start trying after I went to a Supernatural convention (we are planners, what can I say). I bring this up because it's the "landmark" that I can refer to.
When I returned from the convention, I didn't feel right. I felt bloated and tired and gained an unusual amount of weight. I chalked it up to eating horribly at the convention. A month went by and I didn't feel better. Two months went by and I started to really worry because I missed a period.....I never do that. Then December came and I was still late. I took a ton of pregnancy tests, went to my doctor's where they did a urine and blood test (all came back negative), and then decided it was time to find a GYN.
My doctor is wonderful. She ran tests and found 3 things: 1) I'm deficient in vitamin D, 2) I have slight hypothyroidism, and 3) crazy low progesterone. I was put on medication for all three of these things. The good news is that there was no sign of cancer (well, as much as you can tell with a blood test) and I am not perimenopausal. So...yay.....
It took a few months to get my progesterone levels under control. However, once under control I still wasn't ovulating. I have had very short cycles all my life. However, when I would tell doctors in the past they would just put me on BC to regulate it. When I was on BC I was fine, but as soon as I was off I went back to my regularly irregular cycle. Due to my short cycles, I don't ovulate.
I am now on Clomid. I have gone through 2 cycles with no success. I went in 2 days ago to get my blood drawn to see if my dosage needs to be increased. I received a call yesterday saying that my doctor will increase my dosage for the third time. If things don't work this dosage then we're calling it quits with Clomid and will move onto the next step.
I feel like I'm dealing with all of this pretty well. I find it more frustrating than anything else. I hear so many people talk about the miracle of the female body, and how women are meant to give birth.....and I can't help but look at myself and think how broken I must be. I know this isn't rational, but it is hard to not think this every now and then. It just sucks. My mantra is "It is what it is" and I just move on to the next step(s).
I have a feeling that a lot of this blog will be about the road to baby. If you want to follow along then feel free. I'm tired of not talking about it, and answering "when will you have a baby" with "Oh, eventually....maybe". Feel free to ask me questions. Talking about it and blogging is kind of therapeutic, actually.
-Laura
As usual, please excuse any mistakes as I dislike editing.
Friday, September 19, 2014
A Little About Me
I've tried to do blogs in the past in order to engage people....that didn't work out. I've also wanted to do blogs that focus on one thing....that didn't really work out either. So now I've decided to just use the blog for me. I need to start writing again, so this is a good place to start. I also like to talk about myself. Let's be honest.
A bit about me - I'm from Kansas and now live in North Carolina. Here for J's job (wonderful husband of 7 years). We are here for a little while longer, but not sure how much longer. I like it. Actually, the main thing I like about being in North Carolina is the fact that I'm on the east coast. I feel like my childhood was robbed from me and that I should have grown up on the east coast somewhere. I don't know why. I just love it.
My hobby is too expensive to do on a regular basis. I love to travel. I think that's why I enjoy being here- it's so easy to travel here. I'm 10 hours away from Disney World, 1.5 hours away from the nearest beach, 5 hours from DC (my favorite city, by the way), and about 10 hours away from NY. I really enjoy learning about history, so this is a wonderful area to be in. I plan on going on a Civil War battle grounds tour soon that covers all of the battle grounds in the area. I can't tell you how excited I am.
I've only been out of the country once, and that was to Ireland. If I was wise, I would save money to go over to the UK, Germany, Italy, etc... instead of spending it on local travel. I just really like to explore the country and area I live in, though.
I also like fashion. I don't necessarily reflect the fashion I like, but I have a strong appreciation for it. I think of fashion as an art form.
I like the idea of being fit. I honestly am not fit and want to work on that. I want to be fit for two reasons-one is reasonable and the other is vain. The first is that I only have this one body and it's already messed up all on its own (scoliosis and infertility), so I don't want to add unneeded stress on it. The second is that, as I said before, I like fashion. I don't like my body type (apple), and I feel that in order to wear the fashion that I like I have to be in shape. Yay.... So why am I not in better shape? I like potato chips...and ice cream...and cake...and fried foods....and movie popcorn.....and sleeping. I'll document how I do.
Speaking of movie popcorn- I love TV and the movies. I do consider myself to be part of two fandoms. The first is Supernatural. Now, with this one, I'm about 85% in. I have gone to two conventions because a friend LOVES Supernatural. I agreed to go to the first once because I thought it would be a fun girls weekend. Um, it was. I have many stories from that weekend in Dallas. This is really what got me into Supernatural. I liked it before, but was really into it after the convention. I haven't seen every episode twice and know everything, but I'll happily be part of the fandom. The other fandom that I'm 100% in is Marvel. I won't get into it now, but I love Marvel movies. I know, I'm lame because I'm not so into the comic books, but I see it as a different art form with different stories.
I love my friends. I came from a small family, and I consider my friends to be part of my family. Especially in J's line of work that takes us away from family, I think it's important to make new family. John and I hope to have kids eventually (I'll get into that later) and I want to make sure the kid(s) have a strong support system wherever we are. I think this is why it hurts so much if someone misuses my trust or is two-faced.
Finally, a post about me wouldn't be complete without saying that I have 2 kitties. They're adorable and really easy going. They're cool. That's all.
-Laura
PS-Sorry for any grammar/spelling issues. I usually lose focus when it comes time to edit.
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